Social Awkwardness

I am the biggest awkward person in the history of awkward people. I am eighteen, yet still blush and stutter when non-close relatives or people I admire talk to me (even if they were younger than me), it takes long for me to be myself around new people, and I wouldn't say much to you when I first meet you, or even the second and third time, I'll just make you feel uncomfortable.

I first noticed that about me five years ago. Before that, I was confident, I had a "لسان طويل" as we Arabs call it, which means I was talkative and a little rude. I was the "coolest" one in school and I felt like I was capable of doing whatever I want. All that changed when I moved to another school and was no longer Ms. BigShot. But that wasn't the real shock, in that school that I went to in my middle school years, I made friends in my first year, maybe not fast, but I eventually did, and in my second year, I was so close to them and was loved by them. Then I had to move again when I started high school -which was the real shock.- Tenth grade was the worst year of my life. I only had two friends that I could be myself with, who befriended me out of pity, I didn't talk much... barely ever, I was too serious with people because that's how I hide my shyness, I had the worst classmates, and I pretty much hated my life.

I cried everyday to mom begging her to move me back to my old school, she kept telling me that this is nothing compared to the real world, and that the only way to learn how to get over my extreme shyness was having to face it. Eleventh grade started and I knew moving back to my old school was hopeless, I decided to make some changes, I changed classes, so I can be with people who are more accepting and will make me feel more at ease, I let my circle of friends grow gradually, because I can't suddenly be myself around all those people. My circle of friends expanded one by one, very slowly and in small steps, then the next thing I knew was that my steps were growing bigger and now my circle of friends was expanded ten by ten. I had friends, I loved school, and I was no longer socially awkward.

Twelfth grade was definitely the greatest school year. I felt like how I felt five years ago in seventh grade, when I believed I could do anything I want, but without my big, rude mouth. And when school was about to end, I cried everyday to mom again, but now it's because I want to stay in school. I have never loved a class like 12/A, never loved a section like the American High School section and never loved a school like Riyadh Schools. I had to go through loneliness, take steps, make friends, love them, and leave them.

And the best thing was that I proved to myself that I can do whatever I set my mind to. I can't say I changed forever, I just now know what to do when I'm extremely shy. These steps are steps I will probably have to take every time I befriend someone, but that's who I am, I'm shy and I accept that about me. And now that I am starting college, I have to go through the loneliness again, take these steps again, make new friends again, love them again, and leave them again. I just hope I don't cry to mom again, I'm too old for that now.